It’s not until you have to tell someone new, that you start to realise just how crazy and far from normal, your behaviour is. On a day to day basis, I don’t really think about the craziness of what I am doing, I can’t or I’d drive myself even more crazy.
I saw a GP I hadn’t met before today. I’d been asked to make the appt and she didn’t actually want anything specific other than to go over the last letter my psychiatrist had sent. She asked how I was doing so I was honest with her. I mentioned self harm and she asked what I did. There was no point in lying to her; I explained about the daily overdoses. The surprise is that it wasn’t her reaction that bothered me, it was mine. I’m struggling to explain or even understand why it’s got to me so much.
I’ve been self harming in some form since I was 17, that’s nearly 16 years. I’m used to professionals knowing and me not really having to explain. That’s not to say that the professionals are happy about what I do; they are absolutely not; it’s just that we don’t go into detail about it much anymore. It’s more about the reasons for doing it, the thoughts, emotions and feelings etc.
I guess the point is, having to tell this GP has really unsettled me. It’s made me think about the consequences of my actions which is something I try to avoid at all costs. It’s bought up feelings of shame and embarassment which in all honestly, are not overly welcome right now.
Anyway, this at least is a good excuse for me steadily working my way through a cold bottle of wine.
I’ve always enjoyed a drink (or 10). Whether that be a glass of wine with dinner or a bottle shared with friends. I’m not overly fussy about what I drink as long as it’s not red wine or chardonnay oh and it has to be decent vodka.
What I find difficult is to differentiate between the times I am drinking for fun and the times I just want to get wasted and forget everything. I feel that perhaps my drinking lately has fallen mostly into the latter category. I should know better than to drink when my mood is already low but I’m not good at doing the right things. The other problem is that I don’t seem to know when to stop and if anyone suggests another one I’ll be the first to agree.
So, on that note, I am considering doing a month sober. I have already found a way to rule out October by way of a colleagues leaving do which I “can’t” not drink at.
In recent weeks I have felt that I may no longer be depressed. Yes I am still self harming but that never goes away, depressed or not. My social worker and old CPN disagree (strongly). I saw my shrink yesterday and she also disagrees. When I think about our conversation, I can see why. She asked me to rate my mood on a scale of 1-10 (3 was my response) and if I was getting pleasure or enjoyment from anything (my answer was no). I can recognise depression even if I rarely admit to it but at the moment I just don’t know. How do you tell or do you let them decide? That is what they are paid to do, what they have spent many years training to do.
It’s always the little things, or at least, thats how it seems. My reactions are not in proportion to the event/action. I couldn’t get my docking station to work properly earlier and I got so angry that I wanted to self harm. I had the same reaction when the hoover didn’t work the other day. I wish I was able to regulate my emotions better. I think that perhaps there are times when I can. This intolerance however does seem to indicate a depressive mood or episode. One thing I always notice when I am heading into an episode is that small things really start to bother me. I get to the point where I could quite easily bash my colleagues repeatedly over the head with my stapler, just because they have the audacity to breath. Luckily for them, I can and do recognise that it’s an inappropriate response.
It’s the same thing in regards to the self hatred – it’s always there in my mind but it’s the little things that bring it to boiling point. It’s the sound of my own voice or a glimpse of my reflection in a car window. The fact that I went to the shops but forgot 1 thing or that I forgot my pass to get into work can have me believing that I am the dumbest person in the world.
It’s all completely out of proportion.
So, a little about me I guess. I’ve been living with depression and assorted other mental health issues for 14 years now. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 8 years ago and have self harmed since I was 17. I also struggle with body image and eating problems – having ranged from anorexia in the past to bingeing and purging and these days, just bingeing. I take meds and remain under the care of the Community Mental Health Team.
I have held down 2 full time office jobs since 2008, although I have had several periods of time off sick. The most recent has been for about 4 months and I am only just going back albeit on a phased return.
I live by myself, have a group of friends and generally function, hence the name of this blog.
Even during my worst times, I manage to function on a basic level. I get up and dressed and most days I leave the house. I guess I am pretty good at convincing both myself and others that everything is ok – or at least, not as bad as it really is. For years now I have self harmed by od’ing on painkillers on a daily basis which “helps” because no one would look at me and think I was self harming.
I suppose I am more than just the illness but at this moment, it doesn’t feel that way.