It’s not until you have to tell someone new, that you start to realise just how crazy and far from normal, your behaviour is. On a day to day basis, I don’t really think about the craziness of what I am doing, I can’t or I’d drive myself even more crazy.
I saw a GP I hadn’t met before today. I’d been asked to make the appt and she didn’t actually want anything specific other than to go over the last letter my psychiatrist had sent. She asked how I was doing so I was honest with her. I mentioned self harm and she asked what I did. There was no point in lying to her; I explained about the daily overdoses. The surprise is that it wasn’t her reaction that bothered me, it was mine. I’m struggling to explain or even understand why it’s got to me so much.
I’ve been self harming in some form since I was 17, that’s nearly 16 years. I’m used to professionals knowing and me not really having to explain. That’s not to say that the professionals are happy about what I do; they are absolutely not; it’s just that we don’t go into detail about it much anymore. It’s more about the reasons for doing it, the thoughts, emotions and feelings etc.
I guess the point is, having to tell this GP has really unsettled me. It’s made me think about the consequences of my actions which is something I try to avoid at all costs. It’s bought up feelings of shame and embarassment which in all honestly, are not overly welcome right now.
Anyway, this at least is a good excuse for me steadily working my way through a cold bottle of wine.