It’s all too late

I entered into the world of psychiatric services for the first time in 1999 and was supported by them on and off for a few years. It wasn’t until 2004 that I was allocated a Psychiatrist and CPN. That’s been pretty much constant since then although the people have changed. Between 2004 and 2006 I didn’t work. 2006-2008, I worked but part time and the jobs never lasted long. Come 2008, I took on a new job, full time and ended up staying there for 2 1/2 years. From there I moved into my current role where I have been ever since.

Being able to work has not meant I stopped needing support from CMHT but it has meant that getting support has had its problems. It has made attending appointments difficult as I, like many people, work in a different town. In recent years, most of my annual leave allowance has been used up attending monthly appointments with my Psychiatrist and ad-hoc visits to see my CPN when needed.

Many years ago, I was put on a waiting list for Psychotherapy on the NHS but nothing ever came of it. When I started working full time, I decided to find a private therapist so I would be able to make appointments after work but obviously, I had to fund this. I found someone I trust implicitly and still see him now. My NHS care team know about this, however last year, they decided to make a referral to a local Therapeutic Day Unit for DBT. I went to the assessment and was told I was likely to be accepted into the programme however it required a commitment of 2 days per week – 1 for group therapy and 1 for individual therapy. At the time, I decided not to enter the programme. I felt that I wouldn’t be able to organise it around work and that even if my employer did agree to me working part time, it wasn’t financially viable for me. I also explained to my care team that my therapist was doing a lot of the same work with me that the group offered.

That was that, until a few months ago. The current episode of depression has now lasted about 7 months and it has meant that I had 4 months off work and am now only working part time. Today I saw my social worker and once again, the topic of groups and TDU has resurfaced. In fairness, It came up a while ago but today was different.

She spent a lot of time on the phone while I was there, talking to a colleague about a local therapeutic community and what they offer as well as the TDU I was referred to last year. At one point, she sadi to someone “she’s been seeing her therapist for 5 years and wants to try something new”. Now, I never said that. I don’t trust people easily and do not want to start again.

I know that I probably need to invest in recovery but it feels as if I am being asked to put my life on hold for a significant period of time. I’m not 25 anymore. I’m nearing 33 and I don’t have a career, just a job. If I commit to this opportunity, I will lose any chance of development at work and will have to stay in this job as I doubt many other employers would be sympathetic to my situation. My current employers don’t have a choice; I disclosed my illness on starting with them and am covered by the Equality Act.

Where was this opportunity 10 or even 5 years ago? Maybe I’m being ungrateful; I don’t mean to be. It just feels as if it’s all come too late.

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Jealousy

I hate this word and I hate the emotion/feeling. It’s incredibly uncomfortable for me as it makes me feel like an attention seeker and generally just an awful person. Generally, I try to deny that it’s how I’m feeling.

However, I can’t really deny it at the moment.

This has not been the best year for my family, especially over the last few weeks. One of my sisters has been in hospital and my 9 month old niece has spent most of this last week in hospital with some kind of infection. Her mum (my other sister) has obviously been stressed, upset and sleep deprived. I love my family and I want to be there for them. I visited my sister in hospital and when she came home, I kept in text, just checking in, making sure she was ok. This week, again, I texted my sister but was kept updated by my mum. I didn’t want to bother my sister too much and to be honest, she doesn’t like talking on the phone much. On Wednesday, I was on the phone to my mum and she said “oh, I thought you would pop in and visit” (bearing in mind, I’d been at work which is in the same town as the hospital my niece was in). I feel horrendous because to be completely honest, it didn’t even occur to me. My dad asked me if I’d rung my sister (expecting to have done so or to do so) which again made me feel terrible.

The reason for all of this rambling is, as I mentioned above; jealousy.

The family has rallied around my sisters during these events. I don’t resent that they are being supported; not at all. My problem is that the same doesn’t happen when I get ill.

Even writing that makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

The only reason I can think of for this is that once upon a time, they did offer support but I rejected it so many times, they have given up. Or that I am ill so often. I know deep down I don’t deserve support but for some reason, it still hurts when confronted with it.