Jealousy

I hate this word and I hate the emotion/feeling. It’s incredibly uncomfortable for me as it makes me feel like an attention seeker and generally just an awful person. Generally, I try to deny that it’s how I’m feeling.

However, I can’t really deny it at the moment.

This has not been the best year for my family, especially over the last few weeks. One of my sisters has been in hospital and my 9 month old niece has spent most of this last week in hospital with some kind of infection. Her mum (my other sister) has obviously been stressed, upset and sleep deprived. I love my family and I want to be there for them. I visited my sister in hospital and when she came home, I kept in text, just checking in, making sure she was ok. This week, again, I texted my sister but was kept updated by my mum. I didn’t want to bother my sister too much and to be honest, she doesn’t like talking on the phone much. On Wednesday, I was on the phone to my mum and she said “oh, I thought you would pop in and visit” (bearing in mind, I’d been at work which is in the same town as the hospital my niece was in). I feel horrendous because to be completely honest, it didn’t even occur to me. My dad asked me if I’d rung my sister (expecting to have done so or to do so) which again made me feel terrible.

The reason for all of this rambling is, as I mentioned above; jealousy.

The family has rallied around my sisters during these events. I don’t resent that they are being supported; not at all. My problem is that the same doesn’t happen when I get ill.

Even writing that makes me want to crawl under a rock and never come out.

The only reason I can think of for this is that once upon a time, they did offer support but I rejected it so many times, they have given up. Or that I am ill so often. I know deep down I don’t deserve support but for some reason, it still hurts when confronted with it.

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