Still scared

She’s lovely, she’s always lovely. It doesn’t help. I was as honest as I could be. She is going to refer me to Urgent Care/Crisis team again – how much of a failure and a burden does that make me feel? That won’t change no matter what anyone says.

I am supposed to speak to occy health about not increasing my hours anymore. I’m now terrified of what my manager is going to say about that. I also agreed to be honest with my therapist when I see him tomorrow. He may already know as he works for urgent care. It depends on whether she actually made the referral today. She was going to ask them to call me tonight. It’s 21.40 and no call. I suspect the call won’t come. Either that or they’ll call late. It’s too late anyway, I went ahead and self harmed. Once again I am angry at myself for not being able to do more damage. Anger that the cuts aren’t deeper, that there aren’t more of them, that despite me taking too much warfarin, they aren’t bleeding more than usual.

Dad is having problems getting a new mortgage deal for the flat and the current one ends in January. This is my fault as we had fully expected me to be in full time work and for us to be able to apply for a joint mortgage. That obviously didn’t happen and now it’s all a bit fucked up. Just another thing to feel guilty about. How can I not increase my hours when we’re in this situation.

How can I be back with Urgent Care less than just 6 months after being discharged from them?


2 thoughts on “Still scared

  1. futilemess

    I’ve been following your blog for a while now, and I keep wanting to say something, just to reach out more than anything else. Because my way of thinking is very similar to yours, I completely understand what you’re going through, but I don’t have any words of wisdom, or anything constructive to say at all really, coz I’m bloody useless. Just know you’re not alone. I hope that you find a light soon. x


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