Ok so first of all, I should confess to being a little tipsy.
However, this doesn’t change my feelings.
Last night I watched a TV programme with a funeral and I honestly sat there and thought “my parents and sisters would have nothing good to say about me at my funeral”. Then I go out tonight with a someone who recently has become a very close friend. I have known her since school and thanks to Facebook we “found” each other again in 2007. We have been friends since then but have become (in my mind) a lot closer over the last few months. I love her to pieces and I constantly feel incredibly guilty for the time I spent talking to her about my despression/self harm/suicidal feelings etc. That is my problem, nothing to do with her per se.
Talking to her makes me hesitate in terms of what I am doing (the paracetamol abuse, the warfarin abuse etc.). I don’t want to hurt anyone even though I can accept that my death would do just that. For some reason I worry more about hurting her than anyone else. Today we chatted vaguely about it. She told me she’d be fucking angry if I were to kill myself. God I hate people saying things like that, it makes everything so much harder.
Today has not been a good day. I was due to see my social worker. I saw her number flash up on my phone around 11am. I didn’t pick up, I knew she was calling to cancel. That was exactly what her voicemail said. It’s not her fault, it doesn’t stop me being angry/hurt/sad/frustrated. I realised today that she reminds me of my first therapist. Like her, she is constantly late, frequently cancels appointments and manages to get me to agree to do things by smiling and saying please. I also ignored a call from the Crisis Team last night. I can’t be honest with them so there is no point in talking to them.
Thanks to being unable to say no to my social worker, I have an INR test tomorrow morning. I am panicking about it. My warfarin nurse is lovely and I don’t want to have to explain the situation to her. Knowing my luck, my INR won’t even be elevated.
Fuck, my head is in a mess. I should get some sleep