I feel like I spend my life waiting for the odd better day where I am able to do things. Days where I can clear my emails, do my charity work, talk to friends, sort out paperwork. It’s not enough.
I am withdrawaing from the migraleve. I didn’t conciously come off it. I had a few over the weekend but consumption has definitely decreased dramatically over the last week or so. I told my therapist this last week but as I said to him, it’s not a positive thing. The suicidal thoughts are much stronger than they have been in the recent past. I don’t really want to self harm, I want to die. I say that but I keep putting obstacles in my way. I said to him and my social worker that I needed to get past the weekend just gone (mum’s 70th) then I could fall apart and let them do what they want. Now it’s over I am telling myself that I have to hold on because of the mortgage situation.
Talking of therapy, we had a very frank discussion last week. I made the decision to tell him about my stash, I’m not 100% sure why but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I knew the risks of telling him, after all he has a duty of care. It just felt like something I needed to do and he was the safest option. We talked about it and why it feels safer for me to have it than not, he obviously asked me to give it up to him or my social worker (as if I am ever going to agree to that). He eventually told me that if I promised to keep our appt tomorrow then he wouldn’t call her, after asking me if I’d told him because I wanted him to tell her. I don’t know how I feel about it and what’s going to happen tomorrow. I guess I’ll just have to take it as it comes.
I saw my social worker on Friday for the first time in almost 3 weeks but I only had 30 mins spare and as she is always late we had about 20 mins. I told her I am suicidal but what could either of us do in that time. She wants to see me on Tuesday mornings at 9.30am for the next few weeks at least. This is going to be a problem. If I see her then I won’t make it to work until 11.15-11.30; they are not going to be happy about it. I suspect I am going to have to resort to using up my A/L as usual. Anyways, I called her this afternoon to see if she’s free – she’s not so tomorrow is going to have to do. I feel like I need her/someone to tell me what to do for the best because I really am out of ideas, I am lost.