Sad

I feel sad. I haven’t had the best time of it over the last week. I kind of self harmed last week after 3 weeks of not. I had a good chat with my CPN about today. Do I need to worry about it or just accept it for what it is. We talked about alternative options, including talking to friends. The reality is that there is only one friend I would talk to about it but if I am honest then I don’t want to and I won’t. It’s not her, it’s about me and my fucked up thought processes.

My therapist asked me last week what I wanted to work on. I hadn’t realised that we haven’t really looked at any particular issues since last year – “you’ve been too ill” was what he said. We agreed to go back to the big issue – my belief that I am a shit person. That’s all well and good but it seems as if every time we go down this road, I can’t handle it, my distress levels sky rocket and self harm increases. I don’t think there is a safe way of dealing with it but equally it HAS to be dealt with.

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This week & Self sabotage

I excel at self sabotage; then we all have to be good at something.

I am exhausted but it’s completely my fault. 2 weeks ago I increased my working hours from 16 to 20 per week (5 x 4 hour days). The first week I ended up working a lot more than 20 hours. I wasn’t being pressured to by anyone but me. There was work to be done so I stayed and did it. It didn’t help that one of the team (I work as one of 3 administrators) was off for a couple of days. My job involves managing the recruitment admin for one division plus central services. In addition, I manage another inbox so when one of us is off, the workload becomes unmanageable. I got a bollocking from the head of the department for working too much but when I admitted that I was scared she’d realise she didn’t need me if I went home, she was very sweet about it. Anyways, this week was just as busy if not more so. On Monday we were only in the office for 2 hours before spending the rest of the day at a team away day, followed by therapy and drinks with the guys. On Tuesday I was playing catch up from Monday so I stayed until my line manager realised and kicked me out at about 4.30. On Wednesday one of the girls was off an A/L and the other one went home sick as I got in, so that was 5 inboxes I was managing. Thursday was insanely busy again and then had 1st session of family therapy…fun times. Yesterday I knew I had to leave on time as I had to see CMHT at 3pm. By the time I got there I was all out of energy and it didn’t take long for the tears to start.

Next Tuesday will be a year since I went off sick. Never in my wildest dreams did I think that a year later I would still not be working full time. It makes me feel like such a failure – I am such a failure. In previous years/episodes when crisis hit, I would generally end up taking a day or 2 off but last year I made a concious decision to take the time I needed to get better. I can’t help but think that if I had just taken 1 or 2 days to get myself together then maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad and maybe I wouldn’t still only be working 20 hours a week.

2 weeks ago I  had a call with Occupational Health – his report states “she appears to be less able to cope the more hours she is doing. She currently reports that she is finding it harder with her increased hours. I have discussed with her and advised that in my clinical opinion she should reduce her working hours and concentrate on achieving on a stable set number of hours of no more than 20-25 hours per week on either a 4 or 5 day week for at least a period of 6-12 months…”

and

“she feels that she would be able to gradually increase her working hours every few weeks as she is more aware of her limitations. I am pessimistic about this and in my clinical opinion it is likely that she would be able to provide a more sustainable level of service by working lesser hours. Increasing her hours should only be considered when she has been able to satisfactorily provide an effective and regular level of service on her set hours for at least 6-12 months”

This is bothering me. He is an OHN, not an RMN, he is not a specialist in mental health. In addition, I don’t like him. The upside (I think) is that he asked for details of my GP and Psychiatrist so he could request a medical report. I have indicated that I need to see this before work do and in any case I do trust my Shrink. It is bothering me because at some point, work are going to start thinking about what is best for the department which won’t end well for me. For my own sanity, I can’t take another 6-12 months to get back to work full time. The financial impact is also a problem. I can’t live on what working 20 hours a week gives me. Last year I was claiming Housing Benefit but this stopped in January when I went back to work full time. When I went sick 2 weeks later I thought about claiming again but because work stupidly overpaid me, I couldn’t claim (they said I was earning too much to qualify).

That’s another thing. Work screwed up my pay last year starting in July by paying me salary instead of SSP. I informed them straight away but it has still not been rectified. They continued to pay me incorrectly until December. Because of this, the housing office think they have overpaid me so have said that I owe them over £2k which I am having to pay back £100 per month. I explained the situation to them but as long as my payslips are incorrect there is nothing they can do. I have spoken to my payroll dept and we have agreed the correct figures but they have still done sweet FA about it. I asked them a month ago and they said they couldn’t do anything until March payroll was done. Fair enough but we are now coming up to April payroll and we are no closer to fixing it.

On top of all of this is my voluntary work which I love but is taking up so much of my time.

Wow, that turned into a rant. Reading it back, at least I can see why I am so exhausted. It doesn’t make it any better though.