Self harm is taking centre stage in my life right now. Most of the time I am in control of it but I am most definitely not at the moment.
It’s not new, we have walked hand in hand for 17 years now. Sometimes it follows and at other times it leads me.
Over the years I’ve developed new ways of hurting myself but for the last 2 years it has gotten worse due to medication I take for physical health problems. This means that when I choose to cut, I bleed extensively.
That’s what happened last week but the effects are more than the obvious. So much more. I have destroyed beautiful new bed linen as well as recently laid carpet. I have bled through layers of clothing that despite going through the wash at 60 degrees, still smell of my blood. The mouse mat on my desk at work is stained with my blood. I have spent a ridiculous amount of money on dressings. I go into the toilets at work and all I can think about is last week and the time I spent in there trying and failing to stop the bleeding. Each time I go into my bathroom at home I remember being bent over the sink watching the blood flowing down my arms and me crying in pain – emotional pain.
No matter what I do I seem unable to get away from any of it making it so much harder to resist doing it again.
Self harm isn’t just about the physical effects, it takes over your life.